My father, Anatoly and I had a very close and loving relationship. After he was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2014 I visited him often and talked to him on the phone several times a week and later several time a day. The last 3 months of his life he was placed in a nursing facility under hospice care and I visited him every day, trying to feed him and make things easier for him. The last few weeks of his life he was very weak, he mostly slept and often demonstrated typical symptoms of so called 'deathbed delirium' – he was asking who are the people in the room when no one else was there, he was reaching out to someone or something above him, hugging empty space in front of him in his half-sleep daze. I tried to ask him who is he seeing, but he was too weak to speak clearly. He passed on Friday, July 19, 2019 at 10:28 am without waking up from his sleep. He was just 4 day shy of his 87th birthday.

The days following his death I was probably in shock going through the motions as a crying zombie. I thought I was prepared for it living through several months of anticipatory grief while watching my father slowly waste away. But nothing prepared me for the actual death. I felt devastating, inconceivable loss. But I was the one to handle all the funeral planning and arrangements, so that kept me very busy and running on very little sleep.

His funeral was on Tuesday, July 23rd. It was a very nice service with many people in attendance, although most of the people who loved him were already dead or too old and sick to travel.

After the funeral and memorial reception I went home with my husband and two adult sons. Together we did the ceremony of lighting Shiva candle. Although we are not religious, on days like that traditions of our forefathers seemed to be important and comforting. I felt exhausted and completely spent. My sons didn’t want to leave me alone with my pain, so they stayed with me and even made me go for a walk. They were grieving too – they lost their beloved grandfather and it really hit them at the funeral.

Contact 1.

Sometime after we got home from the funeral my husband noticed that TV in the living room was on – not the cable box, not the sound bar – just the TV. He didn’t think much of it and turned it off. After lighting Shiva candle we all went for a walk with our lovable rescue mutt. After we got back I noticed that TV in the living room was on. Again, just the TV and the screen was blank with just static. None of us even walked into the living room yet, not to mention touching the remote control that was programmed to turn on the cable box and sound bar along with the TV with one button. I asked if anyone touched the TV or played with remove control – no, no one did. We never had TV turning on by itself before. Then I said – ‘May be this is my father trying to tell us that he is here with us.’ After that TV stopped turning on by itself.

Contact 2.

Later that evening, after my sons left, I setup a make-shift memorial on the livingroom coffee table with my dad’s picture and burning Shiva candle. I set there cried for a while, asking my dad to let me know somehow if he is OK, if he is still with us, that he didn’t just disappear into nothingness.

That very night I didn’t sleep well. The stress and emotional pain of that day left me wired and emotionally drained. I went to bed around 2 AM and eventually cried myself to sleep. At the early morning hour, right before 7 AM I woke up from the sound of a distant voice calling my name. It was unmistakably my father’s voice calling me by my childhood nickname 'Vera' in Russian, just like he always called me. But his voice sounded younger, not of an 87 year old him, but a younger him with more energy and zest. It sounded like he was trying to reach me through my sleep, but when I opened my eyes no one was there. Only my husband was peacefully snoring next to me, and my husband never called me 'Vera' in Russian - he doesn’t speak Russian and only calls me 'Veronika.'

I realized that my father is trying to reach me and that I can only hear him in that light, in-between sleep state. So I told him in my mind: 'I can hear you, papa. I will try to go back to sleep, so please keep talking to me. Tell me what you want me to know, please tell me that you are OK.'

Contact 3.

It was tossing and turning trying to sleep again and about 7:45 AM I managed to doze off again. I started to dream about the funeral. In my dream my husband and I were in some strange house expecting people to came in for the after funeral reception. I was worried about people showing up before we’re ready. Then in the middle of that I started to hear my father’s voice talking to me. It didn’t feel like a part of that dream, it was completely unrelated and was coming from a different place. It felt like it was overriding my dream, coming into my brain from the right side. He was talking to me in Russian, while my background dream was in English. His voice sounded younger, very calming and comforting. Just as he was comforting me when I was a little girl, hurt or scared. It lasted for a few moments and at first I couldn’t make sense of what he was saying (now I can’t remember his words in the beginning). As I started to wake up from realization that my father is talking to me again, I started to understand his words, and the last thing I remember him say was (in Russian) '… you are talking, and talking, and talking…'. I believe he was referring to my restless mind and my constant internal chatter that blocks my mind from receiving any messages from him. I think he was telling me to try to quiet my mind, so he can get through to me. That was surprising and not what I expected him to say, but perhaps it was what I needed to hear.

Contact 4.

As I fully woke up, I could no longer hear his voice. At that very moment as I stopped hearing his voice, I felt something I’ve never felt before. I was laying on my left side with my arms stretched out along my body and hands tucked together between my knees. Suddenly I felt a sensation of pressure around both of my forearms right above my wrists. There was no touch, but a pressure from what felt like a ball of vibrating, buzzing energy squeezing my wrists. The ball of energy surged stronger growing larger as it moved up my arms, and then disbursed into my body. It was one short, but very distinct and strong jolt of energy that for a moment took my breath away. It was not threatening or painful, it felt loving and comforting. I knew instantly that it was my dad making me feel him, letting me know that he is there with me, that he is alive and strong. I told him in my mind 'I feel you, papa. I feel you. Thank you!' I was laying there in my bed for a while feeling that energy buzzing in my body. I asked him to keep talking to me, but I couldn’t fall asleep after that experience and I couldn’t hear or feel him anymore. I got up feeling refreshed and excited. The grief was still there, but it wasn’t as heavy. I now knew that my dad was around, just in a different form. I asked him to come back and talk to me the following night, but he did not. I think of him all the time, talk to him in my mind and see him in my mind’s eye often, but I cannot hear and feel him the way I did that morning. I hope he will return again, or will find some other way to keep in touch. It's been two weeks sinse he passed and I miss him terribly, but I know he’ll be there to greet me when it’s my time to go.

Was this experience difficult to express in words? Yes

The physical sensation of contact 4 is hard to describe in simple terms. Words don't do it justice.

Did you ONLY sense an awareness of presence of the deceased without actually seeing, hearing, feeling or smelling them?      No

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?          Yes

          Describe what you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was communicated:   I heard my father talking to me very clearly - see Contact 2 and 3 of my description.

          Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated?     I heard his voice inside my head on the right side, but it was clearly coming from my father, not from me or my dream.

          If you heard a voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound the deceased made when they were alive?     Yes, it was clearly my father's voice, but it was of younger him - not of sick and weak 87 year old.

          Is there any possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?   No

          Was there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience?   No

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?         Yes

At the moment I stopped hearing his voice, I felt a sensation of pressure around both of my forearms right above my wrists. There was no touch, but a pressure from what felt like a ball of vibrating, buzzing energy squeezing my wrists. The ball of energy surged stronger growing larger as it moved up my arms, and then disbursed into my body. It was one short, but very distinct and strong jolt of energy that for a moment took my breath away.

            Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar? It was a new sensation, but it was strangly familiar. It was not threatening or painful, it felt loving and comforting.

          Was anything communicated by the touch? I knew instantly that it was my dad making me feel him, letting me know that he is there with me, that he is alive and strong.

            Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?   No

Did you see the deceased?       No

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased? No

How long did the experience last?      For about 1-2 minutes, but it had a lasting effect.

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?       See description in my full write-up included.

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?          Yes

I felt that he was happy to be free from his very sick and old body. He sounded young, happy and calm, while trying to comfort me with his voice. And by giving me a jolt of his energy, he was showing me that he was alive and strong.

Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know?  He was telling me that I (my mind) was '...talking and talking and talking' - and it was true. Being under so much stress, my internal chatter was constant. This is something he would never tell me before.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?          Experience was definitely real

          Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:   I've heard it, I felt it. It was absolutely real to me.

          Was the experience dream like in any way?          Uncertain

The voice came during light sleep, but it was very clear and separate from my dream. But the energy jolt was when I was already awake. It was not a dream.

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:  Before falling asleep I felt grief and sadness, but after hearing my father's voice I woke up excited and happy to hear him. That's how I felt immediately before I felt him grabbing me by the wrists and giving me a jolt of energy.

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience? Yes

Of course sense of loss and grief was still there, but it felt lighter and not as painful.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?          The best part is that it actually happened to me and no one can tell me that I imagined it. I now know that we don't die. The worst part is that it happened only once. I still miss my father terribly and wish I could hear and feel him again as I did that morning.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes                Describe:     It's been only 9 days since my experience. It definitely lightened up my grief. I am now searching for other ways to contact my father on the other side, and learning about new spiritual practices to achieve it.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?      Yes    It gave me certainty that we don't die, that we go on after physical death to exist in a different state and a different dimension.

Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.?         Yes    I now believe that death is not the end of us. We go on to exist in a different state in a different dimension unseen to the living, but real nevertheless. We all will go back there when it's our time.

Death Compacts are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies first will try to contact the other(s).  Have you ever made such a compact?    No

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No

What emotions did you feel during the experience?         I felt excitement and joy that my father is still here, just in a different form. I knew it took extra effort for him to contact me in such a physical way. He wanted to ease my pain and he did. I really felt his love for me that morning. I am very grateful to my father for the gift he gave me after he died.

Was the experience witnessed or experienced by others?          No

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  No

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?         Yes

I know that death is not the end of us. We go on to exist in an energetic state in a different dimension unseen to the living, but real nevertheless. We all will go back there when it's our time.

Did you become aware of future events?      No

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?      No

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?   No

Did you meet or see any other beings other than the deceased?   No

Did you see a light?        Uncertain

The ball of energy around my wrists was glowing with light. I didn't see it with my eyes, I felt it with my body and with my inner eye.

Did any part of your experience seem to occur in a place other than the location described above?     No

Have you shared this experience with others?       Yes    I told my husband, my son and couple other people that I felt will be receptive to my story. They were surprised and amazed. They were supportive of me. I am careful though telling it to too many people as I don't want to be judged as delusional or grief-crazed. So, although I want to share my story with others, confidentiality will be appreciated.

Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site?         No

Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?          No

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?       No 

Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event? Uncertain 

I did have two past-life regressions where I visited two of my past lives and the space between lives. But it didn't feel as real as this experience.

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?           Yes