My Timmy got very sick, very fast.  I had taken him to his doctor because his asthma was flaring up, for about a week.  I would put him on the nebulizer as needed, and started prednisone.  He was diagnosed with bronchitis, and put on antibiotics.

The next day, he was particularly tired, and had no appetite.  By noon, he was tugging on my arm, taking me to his bedroom.  He wanted to lay down, and wanted me with him.  His breathing was labored, so I set up the nebulizer, but he kept pushing the mask off.  He never did that, he always would sit patiently and finish the treatment.  Something was different this time.  I started to panic.  I turned on the hot shower, thinking the steam would help, but when I returned to his room, he was passing out.  I ended up calling 911, and doing mouth-to-mouth.  The fire dept. responded within 2 minutes, and took over for chest compressions.  I ran out to my other two children, and just kept telling everyone, "he's having a really bad asthma attack!"  My neighbors took my other children, so I could go with Timmy in the ambulance.  It was the beginning of the end for my baby boy. 

The doctors at my local hospital were baffled, they did not know what was going on.  They told me initial blood work showed "blasts", he had leukemia.  But repeat cbc's were normal.  A CT scan showed blood clots around his heart.  They couldn't figure out a thing.  Only that he coded for 12 minutes.  He was transported that night to Columbia Presbyterian Babies Hospital.  We arrived in Manhattan about 4 in the morning, just sitting around, waiting.  Finally, a cardiologist told us that it was not blood clots around his heart.  It was tumors,  several, INSIDE the chambers.  Very rare, they said.  Cardiac tumors are rare in adults, and even rarer in children.  It took one full week to get a diagnosis of what exactly was wrong with my boy.  It turns out, the prednisone I had been giving him to treat his asthma, was masking all the results.  He had non-Hodgkins lymphoma, and leukemia.  Steroids are part of the treatment, that's why they weren't able to get definitive results.  What was rare about his condition was the mass that form in his chest spread into his little heart, causing the heart failure.  The oncologists told me that his type of lymphoma develops within weeks, and the cardiac tumors grow within days. 

Needless to say, we were devastated.  I couldn't even comprehend what was going on.  The whole situation was a complete shock to me and my entire family.  Not only did I have to accept that my son had cancer, but was told by the neurologists that he suffered several strokes, and would never be the same boy again, even if he survived the cancer.   

I have a big extended family, (thank God) that took my other children in so I could stay with Timmy at the hospital.  I only left him for one day, to go home and gather some of the things I would need.  The anxiety I felt when I was apart from him was almost unbearable.  I had to call my doctor, and he put me on Xanax and Ambiem to help me sleep.  I knew my other children were being cared for, and my Timmy needed me most.   

My darling boy had to endure two weeks of chemotherapy before ultimately becoming septic.  I was raised catholic, but never went to church much as an adult.  I still believed in God, and in heaven, and of course spent many hours praying for my boy.  The book I read to him the night before he died was entitled "Wishes for You" (by Tobi Tobias) Very fitting, in retrospect. After reading that to him, I got myself ready for bed.  Something was going on with his blood work, I didn't understand and asked the nurse if I should go to sleep or not.   They told me to go ahead and sleep, they are monitoring him. 

That's when I had my first dream of him.  I dreamt he sat up in the hospital bed, and he looked healthy.  Beautiful, with rosy cheeks and plenty of strength.  He got off the bed and ran around the room a few times.  Then he ran toward me, and said "Mommy, I Okay!"  I was filled with this incredible feeling, all I remember was trying to hold on to it, but I was waking up.  I awoke to a room full of doctors and nurses saying "more epinephrine, more dopamine"  I was disoriented and confused, believing that he was fine now, and I wanted to tell them this.  The dream was so real to me. but I never said a word to anyone at that time. Just sat there on the bed.  One of his nurses came to me and said "Mommy, you have to call someone.  He is very sick"  They told me he became septic overnight, and now is showing signs of kidney failure.  My husband and parents were there within an hour, and more friends and family showed up throughout the course of the day.   The doctors informed us that they did not think he would survive the infection, so how much did we want them to do in terms of keeping him alive.  I, of course, told them as much as they could. 

I will never forgot the doctor telling me, "mommy, he is going now."  They placed him in my arms, and I held him as long as I could, but he was so bloated and heavy.  I wish I held him longer, but I at least was able to tell him to "not be afraid, and we love you and will miss you forever"  He passed that evening technically, but I believe it was only modern medicine that kept him alive throughout that day, that his soul left at the very moment he ran into my arms.  I believe he touched my soul, and that is what that feeling was.  I have only shared this with my husband, and mother.  I noticed that when I tried to tell others, they think I am crazy. 

      A few weeks after the funeral, I woke up in the middle of the night.  I was laying on my side, I just opened my eyes, and saw him standing next to my rocking chair, which is next to my bed.  I was again disoriented, and smiled.  I thought it was my youngest son, Sean, ( who is 12 months younger than Timmy ). Then my attention shifted, to the foot of my bed where Sean was actually standing.  So I know it was my Timmy standing by the rocking chair.

Was this experience difficult to express in words?

Yes

A physical feeling, like a rush through my body.  The best way I can describe it, is to say a refreshing feeling, like taking a really deep cleansing breath.

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?         

Yes

          Describe what you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was communicated:     

I don't really understand what you mean here.  I was dreaming when he ran to me and said "mommy, I okay". I heard it clear as day in my sleep.  But when he was standing in my room, it was silent.

          Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated?        

okay, inside of me.

          If you heard a voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound the deceased made when they were alive?        

It was definitely his little voice, his way of speaking.  "I okay"

          Is there any possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?     

No

          Was there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience?

I was taking Ambiem at that time to help me sleep. I don't think that does anything to your hearing, although i heard it can make you hallucinate.  I do wonder if him appearing in my bedroom was just a hallucination.  But I would rather believe it was my son, staying nearby, making sure I was okay too.

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?         

Yes

I think he touched my soul.

            Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar? 

Unfamiliar.  Like a refreshing (really indescribable) feeling.

          Was anything communicated by the touch? 

I felt how much he loves me.

            Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?        

No.

Did you see the deceased?       

Uncertain

He looked healthy, they way he did when he was alive.   The time I saw him by my rocking chair, he seemed to glow.  ( I know that sounds crazy, but he had a white glow around him.)

            How clearly did the deceased appear?            somewhat transparent, with a soft white glow. ( the second time ) the first time, it seemed more like a dream and he was solid.

            How much of the deceased did you see?       His face mostly, he was standing behind the arm of the rocking chair.   WHen he ran to me in the dream in the hospital room, I saw all of him.

            Did the deceased appear or not appear to be the age at which they died?            Sometimes when I dream of him now, (like last night actually, which is what prompted me to search the web about this subject) he was only 12 months old, and always sleeping.

            How healthy did the deceased appear to be?            He looked healthy, not the way he looked in the hospital.

            Is there any possibility what you saw was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?           No.

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased?  

No

How long did the experience last?      

moments only

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?       

I opened my eyes, I was staring at him.  I turned and saw my little one (Sean) at the foot of the bed, then turned back to look at towards the chair, but Timmy was gone, and the room became seemingly darker.   I distinctly remember that.

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?         

Uncertain

He was just smiling at me.

Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know? 

The only communication I feel I received was when I dreamt of him in the hospital, and he told me "I okay"  I believe he was telling me he'd be fine now.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?        

Experience was definitely real

          Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:  

I believe it to be very real, both times he came to me.  The reason?  There HAS to be a life after this one.

          Was the experience dream like in any way? 

Yes

In the hospital, it was entirely dreamlike.  At home, I was definitely awake.

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:        

My feelings/emotions in the hospital during that moment where that of great relief, of overwhelming love.

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience?         

Yes

I KNOW my baby is in a much better, more beautiful place.  I no longer fear death, I know I will be reunited with him.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?   

The best part is feeling so much love between me and my son.  The worst?   That it hasn't happened again.

Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.?  Yes    I believe my boy appearing before me was a way to show me that he is indeed fine, that there is a heaven.  Otherwise, I would be a complete basket case, unable to function.

Death Compacts are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies first will try to contact the other(s).  Have you ever made such a compact?      Yes

My husband and I have done this.  We have also made reconfirmed that we will, no matter what stay together throughout this lifetime, so that we will all be together in the end.  Me, him, our other children, and our darling Timmy.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?          Shock, silence.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?     Yes

Just that there is a greater place than this earth.

Did you meet or see any other beings other than the deceased?          He seemed to have other beings around him when I dreamt of him running to me in the hospital room.  But I wasn't' paying attention to them, only him.  I can only say that there was several ( at least three, if not four) of them.

Did you see a light?         No

Did any part of your experience seem to occur in a place other than the location described above?         No

Have you shared this experience with others?       

N0 comment Certain people absolutely agree that he was sent to let me know he would be okay, others have rolled their eyes.  That's why I don't speak of it anymore.

Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site?   No

 Is there anything else you would like to add regarding your experience?      My sister brought a friend with her once when visiting us at the hospital.  After he died, and I told my mother and sister of my dream of him, my sister told this girl.  This girl (who I really didn't know at the time, but my sister has said she "was very spiritual") said that when she came to the room, that he was "floating above" the whole time.  She also told my sister that it was not a dream that I had, that he came to me.

Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     Yes  I had taken an Ambiem about 12 hours prior.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?    No 

Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event?  No 

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?           Yes