My mother had her knee replaced due to rheumatoid arthritis the week before this past Christmas.  This had been a difficult decision for her.  We now know that she was also beginning to experience memory loss and other signs of approaching dementia.  Her mother had Alzheimer's and we believe that is part of the reason she decided to end her physical life now.  She was struggling with many paranoid fears, including being terrified of having to go through the experience of having my dad die first (he is 87).  Her passion in life was her garden, and due to the arthritis she could no longer do this.  In addition, she had a bad reaction to the pain medication they gave her and she was very ill for 2 months following the surgery.  They put her on an anti-depressant medication, and one of the risks during the first few weeks of use is increased risk of suicide.  We do not know for sure if this was a factor.

She carried this out by getting up at night after my father was asleep.  She laid out all of their insurance and financial information neatly, wrote suicide notes to every child and my father (including a note for my son), then duct taped every last crack and crevice in the garage.  She took an ambien (sleeping pill), started the car in the garage, and went to sleep in the passenger side of the car.  She had a bottle of water and her cell phone with her.  My father found her the next morning and due to her precautions, he only had a mild case of carbon monoxide poisoning due to his exposure when he went into the garage.  She had intended for my sister to find her, as she called her every day that week to make sure she was coming out on Thursday morning!  She called me on the phone the evening before and we had this wonderful conversation - just like the old days before she got sick.  The neighbor heard her on the phone (she made the calls from outside on her porch) and he said she was laughing and talking all afternoon.  She called many people she knew to say goodbye, although none of us knew what she had planned. 

My brother called me the next morning after all this had been discovered.  As my sister did arrive at the house she was keeping an eye on things while the police were there, so I decided to go directly to the hospital to stay with my dad.  I picked up my son on the way as it was his last day of school.  As soon as I entered my father's room in the hospital I sensed her presence.  I went into the bathroom at some point (for some privacy) and I did what you are supposed to do - I told her that I was very grateful for the experience, but that she should not remain behind just because of me - she should cross over when ready and continue her new life.  At that point, I was filled with her ecstasy.  I could sense her wonder and bliss at the freedom of her new form, and how free she felt now that she was not longer trapped in her diseased body.  This feeling lasted for about two weeks.  During that time, my body reacted as you would expect - I could not eat, I broke out in at least a dozen cold sores.  But emotionally I was all tied up in her ecstatic state and felt as if my relationship with her had not changed at all.  I prayed a great deal giving thanks for this experience. 

At the funeral home she did not look like herself.  It was not her.  We all felt like it was very unreal, and back at her house it felt like she was going to walk in any minute and tell us to take out that garbage we left in the kitchen.  Then my family began to experience it too.  My father felt her get into bed with him the first night he was home from the hospital.  He felt very comforted and grateful.  He said she got up several times during the night like she always did, then returned to the bed.  The next day, he had lost his cane.  She was always on his case about forgetting the cane.  They were all searching for it.  My brother John walked past my dad in the hallway, then turned around, and my dad had the cane in his hand.  My dad does not know how it got there, he just suddenly became aware that the cane was in his hand. 

My brother John claimed he was an atheist - he did not believe in life after death.  They used to argue about this - Mom would tell him stories and he would scoff.  So 2 days after her death, she appeared to him.  He was taking a nap at his wife's son's house and woke up to see her face hovering over him.  She was smiling and he also sensed her happiness.  He gave up his disbelief and took my dad to church the following Sunday. 

My brother Bob had a very vivid dream about her the night after she died where again, she was laughing and so very happy.  My sister also had some experiences but unfortunately I don't remember the details.  Everyone was sensing her in the house and having experiences. 

This lasted about 2 weeks.  At that point I realized she had crossed over and the reality of the loss sank in.  I had to help clean out this house with all of this stuff that brought back old, vivid memories (my father moved into an independent living apartment).  For a while I think I was kind of losing my mind.  I was driving back and forth crying, freaking out at my family, and generally being a basket case.  My mother had been the one to talk me out of my fits and moods, and now I felt like I was in a perpetual fit/mood and had no way out. 

However, circumstances (manipulated by Mom?) began to intervene.  We found many things she had written while cleaning out the house about her own paranormal experiences and other information that explained many things about her life and our experiences with her.  Due to the funeral, I was put back in touch with friends I had not seen in 20 years.  One of them was Lisa, who invited me to her home in North Carolina.  Lisa had been widowed and gave me a lot of advice on how to handle the feelings I was having. 

The other effect this had on me was to cause me to doubt the things I had wanted to do with my life.  I recently left the corporate world to pursue early music - I play baroque flute and 19th century parlor harps.  I began to wonder if I should do this, and told God I would quit if it was His will.  I went to a different church - this one is a Covenanter church, which is an offshoot of Presbyterian that my mother's family had been affiliated with for hundreds of years.  As all of my aunts, uncles, and grandparents are gone, it seemed like a connection to my family.  Many of the people in the congregation had ancestors that came to the US with mine and are related in some way.  The minister's wife offered to drive me to New York for the National Flute Association Convention!  I had been considering going as I needed a new flute. 

I thought it strange that I had no dreams of my mother during all that time between June 11 when she died until I went to New York with the Covenanter minster's wife on August 19.  But for some reason in New York, I dreamed of her every night.  The one I remember most was a lucid dream where I was walking around in my parent's front yard talking to her telepathically.  The conversation was rather long and I don't remember all of it, but I told her I could deal with this separation if I could talk to her this way.  She said I had to stop mooning around like this!  I knew very well that she was there and OK and I needed to go on with my life.  After this, I did not feel nearly as freaked out, and I now feel much more stable. 

Another odd coincidence is connected with this.  While I was visiting with Lisa in North Carolina, she talked about how I used to play piano.  She was kind of upset that I hadn't played in years.  While I was in New York I started to regret having let my husband talk me into selling the last one I had.  That night, he called me all excited as he had gone to this tiny little mall near our house to buy something for his weight lifting equipment.  There is a small piano shop in the mall (which is about half empty) and in the window he spotted an antique piano.  He went in and talked to the store owner, who explained that it is an 1873 Decker Brothers concert grand that had been in the same family since it was new.  The last descendent did not have any children and was moving into an independent living apartment, and had to give up the piano.  This couple wanted it to go to someone who would play and treasure it.  We ended up buying it for less than 1/4 of it's appraised value of $25,000.  It bears an uncanny resemblance to the remains of a similar antique piano that my grandparents had.  They decided it took up too much room and my grandfather cut it up and made it into a table. When we found this table while cleaning out that house, about 15 years ago, I told my mother that I was really sorry he did that - I would have really wanted it! 

So, did my mother send us the antique piano?  As a child, I processed a lot of my pain and sadness by playing piano.  So it would make perfect sense if she did.

Was this experience difficult to express in words?  No

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?          Yes

            Describe what you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was communicated:    I had a lucid dream where I could communicate telepathically with my mother.  We had a long conversation, but I can only remember parts of it.  I said I could be OK with this as long as I could continue to talk to her this way (as was occurring in the dream).  She did not promise anything, but did tell me "OK, but you've got to stop mooning around like this."

            Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated?  Very clear conversation, but was telepathic.

            If you heard a voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound the deceased made when they were alive?           No - it was definitely her voice.

            Is there any possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?           No.

            Was there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience?   No.

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?            No

Did you see the deceased?         No

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased?      No

How long did the experience last?        So far, 3 months.

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?         Sudden - right after her death.  I do not know if the experience is over yet.

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?           Yes

It was ecstatic - her delight at being free from a diseased body and bliss in her new state of existence.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?           Experience was definitely real

            Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:           I have had similar, but not as intense or as close, experiences before.  In some cases these people revealed information that nobody alive knew and also provided where to look up documentation that proved what they said was true.  So I have never really doubted it.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   No

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:           Mostly shock - I had just found out what happened.  Later, I was having real problems dealing with the loss and also cleaning out my parents' house.  After the dream contact, these feelings became much more manageable.

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience?           Yes

I was able to cope with the loss and continue to help clean out my parents' house.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      The worst part is, I can't call her up anytime like I used to, or visit her physically.  However I feel very blessed that I was able to communicate with her at all, and know how she felt about her death and her existence afterwards.  And the possibility does exist that I will talk to her again at some point during the remainder of my physical life, and will be with her again after my own death.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Yes                 Describe:      I feel free now to persue the opportunities that exist, in other words, to move on.         

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes     I am ready to get over myself.

Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.?            Yes     Validation of what I previously believed.

Death Compacts are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies first will try to contact the other(s).  Have you ever made such a compact?        No

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No
What emotions did you feel during the experience?            Initial experiences - I felt my mother's ecstacy.  Later, she helped get me over the worst of the grief that I could not deal with.  She was always the one who talked me out of my bad moods and feelings, and in this case she performed the service again.

Was the experience witnessed or experienced by others?           Yes

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes

Lucid dreams always seem timeless.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    No

Did you become aware of future events?       No

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         No

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     No

Did you meet or see any other beings other than the deceased?            No

Did you see a light?           No

Did any part of your experience seem to occur in a place other than the location described above?            Yes

In the lucid dream, I was in my mother's front yard.

Have you shared this experience with others?        

Yes     Family members were also having their own experiences and it was helpful to share them among ourselves.

Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site?   No

Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?            No

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No 

Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event?           Yes 

I have had many contacts with deceased relatives - primarily grandparents.

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Yes