Jo-Anne C's
ADC
|
I've had a difficult time dealing with Bill's passing. I have good days, but his memory is with me in everything I do. Finally, about two weeks ago, I thought I was about at the end of my rope. I screamed at God for making the wrong choice. I ranted and raved and finally broke down crying and pleading for help. I asked both God and Bill to help me through this, because I knew I wasn't going to make it on my own. I'd had enough experiences with Bill since his passing to know he could hear me, and I had complete faith in the fact that if there were any way he could help me, he'd move Heaven and earth to do it. I was right.
For the next week, Bill was with me so many times, it almost felt like a second honeymoon. He had previously announced his appearances as a heavy pressure on my chest. (I always assume that's because of the way he died) Then he almost always appears to me as a misty, white vapor, dancing about my head, my shoulders, then across the room and back again. During this particular week, God and Bill apparently decided I needed some extra TLC. Bill came to me a few hours after I'd gone to bed and stayed for several minutes. Then he came back twice more in the night, prompting me to laugh at him and remind him I needed my sleep!
Over the course of the next few days, I could go into our bedroom, turn on the CD called "Relax" and invite him to come, and 99% of the time, he would. At one point, I was driving the car on the highway, and a song came on the radio that we had talked about before he died. Just as he'd promised, when that song started, he was suddenly in the car with me. The misty, white vapor went across my face at first, until I said "Honey, I love that you're here, but I'm driving!" And at that, he stayed, but he became a warm flush throughout my body and ceased to be visible. I've noticed that he is either visible or felt, but almost never both at the same time.
As the week went by, the sensations became more intense. The vapor, the pressure, and the warm flush, were joined by little electrical jolts, and a sensation like hands stroking my cheek, or my leg, or my hand. And our level of communication increased. I began to think that not only could he understand me, which I'd always known, but that I was at last beginning to 'hear' him! And that's how I gradually became aware that this week was to be my last with him.
On the night of Jan 22nd, we had a wonderful evening. We watched our wedding video together. Afterward we lay on the bed, and the vapor reached from above my head, all the way down to my feet. It felt like he was caressing me, and holding me in his arms. I asked him (silently) if he were leaving to continue his journey? We had discussed that possibility, because I was afraid he was hanging around for my sake. He would have done that forever, even if it meant he "missed the bus," and I couldn't let that happen. So I told him I'd be alright, as long as I knew that he'd always keep a connection open, so if we needed him, he'd be here. And a visit now and then would really be nice! The vapor enveloped me more, and about 25-30 minutes later, it gradually raised above me, and slowly disappeared. I called quietly "Good-bye, Sweety. I love you!" And I know he answered "I love you, too, Baby!"
When I was alone once more, I had a strange feeling of contentment. I say strange, because since his death just a few months before, my days, and especially my nights, had been filled with deep sorrow, regret, a tremendous sense of loss, sprinkled very rarely with mirth. But contentment never entered the picture!
Now, in
the past four days, I've seen him once. He dropped in for about 60 seconds the
day after he left, as if to say "You still okay?" I miss him, of course, and I
await the day I can join him for eternity. But in the meantime, I'll try to have
a happy life with our six children and their families so that he doesn't worry
about me as he's waiting for my turn to come with him.
Was this experience
difficult to express in words?
No
Did you ONLY sense an
awareness of presence of the deceased without actually seeing, hearing, feeling
or smelling them?
No
Did you hear the deceased or
hear something associated with the deceased?
Uncertain
Describe what
you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was communicated:
I'm not sure if "heard" is the
word, but I say I 'heard' him in my thoughts, just as I 'talk' to him in my
thoughts.
Did the voice or
sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not
hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated?
Yes, it was a sense of knowing
what was communicated. At one point, I asked him to say something so I'd know
it wasn't my imagination. I immediately 'heard' his response. He said "Okay,
say shit". He knew I always hated that word, and could never say it in a
million years! I knew then it was him.
If you heard a
voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound the
deceased made when they were alive?
n/a
Is there any
possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the surroundings
at the time of your experience?
n/a
Was there any
possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience?
n/a
Did you feel a touch or
experience any physical contact from the deceased?
Yes
It varied. Sometimes it felt
like his hand running lightly down my leg, or across my cheek. Sometimes it
felt like an electrical jolt through my hips and abdominal area. Sometimes it
was so intense, it raised my buttocks off the bed!
Was the touch
familiar or unfamiliar?
We were very touchy, feely people, so I was used to him touching me in many
ways. Now it felt different, yet not unfamiliar. It felt soothing, comforting,
stimulating, not frightening or annoying certainly.
Was anything
communicated by the touch?
complete, undying love! I knew
before, and I certainly know now, that Bill will love me forever, as I him.
Is there any
possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings
at the time of your experience?
No. When I first witnessed the
vapor some weeks before this, I questioned whether it was my eyes, my
imagination. I looked all around the room, I blinked my eyes to make sure they
weren't foggy. I thought at one point that it came from me, like when you
breathe on a cold day. So I held my breath. It was still there.
Did you see the
deceased?
Yes
The appearance in no way
resembled his earthly body, except at one point when the vapor was swirling
around my body, it changed for about 30 seconds, and appeared to be a reddish
elongated oval that kept reaching toward my face, then would go down to my feet,
then back up again. After several attempts, it stopped.
How clearly did
the deceased appear?
Like the patchy fog on the road as
you're driving in the early morning.
How much of the
deceased did you see?
Since the shape was different, I
can't say.
Did the deceased
appear or not appear to be the age at which they died?
n/a
How healthy did
the deceased appear to be?
Bill had suffered a great deal
before he died. He lost weight, he looked older, and grayer. In a dream
visitation earlier, he looked wonderful! (And yes, I know it was a visitation!)
Is there any
possibility what you saw was from any other source present in the surroundings
at the time of your experience?
No. see above answers for more
info.
Did you smell a distinct
smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased?
No
How long did the experience
last?
sometimes as short as 60 seconds.
The last time, it was probably close to an hour!
Was the beginning and end of
the experience gradual or more sudden?
I guess you could say
gradual, in that I first feel the pressure, and then see the vapor. And when he
left the last time, it was not an instant whoosh and he's gone.
Could you sense the emotions
or mood of the deceased?
Yes
I knew he was happy, because he
was free of all those afflictions. He was surrounded by people who love him. And
he still had me. I know that made him happy.
Did the deceased give you
information you did not previously know?
Not during this week's
visits.
How do you currently view the
reality of your experience?
Experience was definitely real
Please explain
why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:
There are too many experiences,
both with me and with some of our children, to not be real. Besides, if they
were my imagination, wouldn't I still have them going on? I didn't want them to
ever stop! That week was one of the happiest of my life, and it was given to me
by my deceased husband!
Was the
experience dream like in any way?
No
Describe in detail your
feelings/emotions during the experience:
Since the experience actually
lasted a week, I'll have to use just the last night for a reference. During the
experience, I felt joyful, playful, loved, and wanted. I wanted it to go on
forever.
Was there any emotional
healing in any way following the experience?
Yes
Absolutely! I was a grieving,
angry woman before Bill's week of TLC. He took that away. He's been gone
(totally) for four days now, and I haven't broken down once. Before this, I
couldn't go a full day without an emotional melt down!
What was the best and worst
part of your experience?
The best was the love we shared,
both emotionally and physically. The worst was knowing it would be the last
time, and once again, I'd have to say 'good-bye'!
Has your life changed
specifically as a result of your experience?
Yes
Describe:
Because I feel more at
peace inside, I can approach others with a more solid foundation. Before this,
all I ever wanted to do was talk about Bill. It kept him alive that way. I
still enjoy that, but it doesn't consume me any more. And I know that I must
treasure my relationships with those on earth, because we never know when they,
too, will be with my Sweety.
Did you have any changes of
attitudes or beliefs following the experience?
Yes
I think it's heightened my
awareness of my own spirituality, and increased my desire to know more.
Did the experience give you
any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God,
etc.?
Yes
It made me realize they're not
as far removed as we might think. They certainly know what's going on. They're
with us in a wink of an eye. They continue to love us, care for us, long after
they're gone. Bill may not be with me continually as he's been since he passed,
but I know if I need him, he'll come. I feel safe, like I have a protector who
has the Boss's ear!
What emotions did you feel
during the experience?
I lay there smiling at the thought
of what had just happened. And surprised that I wasn't sobbing uncontrollably. I
felt contented, and relaxed. And looking forward to a new day for the first
time.
Was the experience witnessed
or experienced by others?
Yes
This particular set of
experiences were un-witnessed, but we've had so many in our family during the
past 3 1/2 months, I had to put something in here!
Did you have any psychic,
paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have
prior to the experience?
Yes
During the course of all these
experiences, I know that I can 'talk' to Bill easily, and I certainly never
considered the possibility before this.
Did you experience a
separation of your consciousness from your body?
Uncertain
Not this time, but I have had a
mirror meditation experience that was a bit unnerving.
Have you
shared this experience with others?
Yes
My daughter, who is my guide to
the world of spirituality, is fascinated by the fact that he's been with me so
much. She says I've truly been given a gift. My friend, who's an agnostic, and
believes when you die, you're just dirt, listens, and questions. But she doesn't
say it hog wash!
Have you shared this
experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web
site?
Uncertain,
I put a brief outline of an experience on a web site, but it wasn't this one
because it hadn't happened yet.
Did you ever in your life have
a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual
event?
Yes,
When Bill was hospitalized
about 7 years ago, and the doctors thought he wouldn't make it, I knelt at our
bed, and sobbed and sobbed, as I prayed God would spare him. Suddenly, I felt
like a warm cloak had been wrapped around my shoulders, and my sobbing stopped
instantaneously! I sat up, looked around, saw nothing, but I knew Bill would be
alright. He regained consciousness 36 hours later.
Did the questions asked and
information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your
experience?
No
It was an extremely personal
experience, and my answers are as accurate as I can make them without describing
in vivid detail some very personal facts. But it's close enough!
Please
offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.
You suggested a separate form for
each experience. I must say that there have been so many, that would become my
next week's work output! I'd be happy to share some with you from my journal (
a good friend thought to give me one when Bill passed away) but I just can't do
more LONG questionnaires! Sorry! I'll see if any of the kids would like to share
theirs.