Cassandra and I separated in the year 2002 and our divorce was finalized around 2002.  We first met when we were both stationed in the US Coast Guard in Alaska, in 1991.  It was love at first sight. We had several 'good years' but over time, with my profession (law enforcement) and the stress of two children, back-to-back, and my own immaturity and problems, we parted ways. Our divorce was mostly amicable, and she had custody of our two children, moving to Pennsylvania to live with her parents, where she grew up. I remained in the Washington, D.C. area and continued to find success as a criminal investigator (Special Agent) working for the federal government.  We had our challenges regarding child support and custody/visitation, but on the whole, we got along, particularly as the years went by. There was a mutual respect.  I remarried and had more children, but Cassandra, to her credit, remained committed to raising our children—sometimes to my exclusion, to my dismay.  Either way, our two children grew up, and when our daughter turned 18 (in 2018) Cassandra and I had limited contact, and only on email. I do not recall speaking to her directly since 2018, but I always knew she was around and (our now) adult kids were always within her orbit.

Life went on and my wife and I are busy raising our (three) teens. During the middle of November, my wife was not feeling well and slept a few nights in the basement, which we often do if one of us has a cough or is otherwise sick. On Thursday, November 16, 2023, I went to my usual pickleball group in the evening, but we had to play at a different court this particular night as our usual court had tennis players. So the evening was a bit longer and later than usual for me. I got home around 10pm, showered and was likely in bed around 11pm or 11:30pm. 

I laid down to bed and started to go into that state of rest between being awake and being fully asleep. I was still awake and conscious enough that I realized that I was being flooded with memories of Cassandra—our past, our lives together until the year 2000 (when we both in our early 30s). The feelings were extremely strong, and very unexpected. I had no problem with her, but I certainly had not thought of her 'romantically' or even 'sexually' in more than two decades. As the feelings increased, I was then experiencing Cassandra laying next to me, as though we were in some other dimension. In this state of being—not quite a vision, not quite a dream—we were making spiritual love. I have read some accounts of this type of love in heaven (such as Emanuel Swedenborg), but had never dwelled on it, asked for it, or considered I would experience it myself, particularly before I am dead, and with someone who I at the time, assumed was very much alive, and happened to be my ex-wife.

During this flood of emotions, we experienced all the intense love that we once had, and even greater love it seemed. I recall feeling as though I was telling her, 'you are my wife, and I adore you, forever…you are sufficient in every way, and are my ideal,' and I meant it. I was feeling all the things she deserved from Day 1, that I had not given. In this experience, she was mostly just smiling and appreciating, although her heart was telling me the same of me—but overall, the experience was me showering her with love, and me, enjoying the experience, being ABLE to enjoy the experience, of loving someone for who they are, unconditionally, and without any care in the world. It was just us two. The experience reminded me of the final scenes of the Steven Spielberg movie A.I. where the robot child asks and receives an experience with the mother he always wanted, just for one day. In the movie, the experience was totally focused on him receiving unconditional love with all joyful moments a mother and child could experience.  During my experience with Cassandra, it was similar. The focus was 100 percent on me giving her all the love I never did, to that degree at least; and, for this, I received immense joy that startled me as I thought about it, and made me feel complete.

The experience went on it seemed, through the night, and into the morning, although I cannot be certain. It seemed I relived all the moments we had together, but all at once. Time didn’t exist. Just love. Just the experience of us two, in a universe of our own. It was exhilarating and also somewhat new to me, like what we experience on earth with true love, but thousands of times greater. I seemed astonished even at the time, in how accepting I was of her, and how much I loved her, and was able to show it, more than I ever did in our real, earthly lives. It was reciprocated, but I was mostly focused on showering her with praise, attention, love and joyful bliss. All the things she always deserved !

Eventually, morning came (now Nov. 17, 2023), and Cassandra faded away, with that state of being I was in all night. I returned to my conscious life here on earth, my marriage (and my commitments to my wife) and my teens, our house, etc.  I almost felt a little guilty because I had a wonderful experience with my former wife, although I am currently married. My wife and I have our morning routine getting breakfast and the kids ready, and I merely told her I had an interesting dream with Cassandra in it. I was still processing what happened and why.

As the days went on, I thought about the dream. It was not unusual for me for many years to feel guilty about our past, our breakup, that I did not have my eldest children in any meaningful way, and that I never gave her or us, a chance to make it. Cassandra and I had talked about that, off and on for a few years, but as the years went by, and as already noted, our contact became less and less, ultimately ending for the most part, when our daughter turned 18. But now, I really pondered what my life would have been like, if only I had been good to her, and honored our vows forever. I was, again, ashamed, something I had expressed to her in the past, and she had forgiven. But as I drove around, sitting at stop lights, or taking a break from work assignments on some contract work I had, I really tried to figure out the 'dream' I had. I could not make sense of it, but I was thankful for it.

During the night of December 7, 2023, I had a very intense dream with my (current) wife, in which we were madly in love and ended the dream with us going to a church. At the church service, there was a feeling of 'bad news' coming from the other side of the walls outside of the church. I literally could hear it 'marching' toward us. The dream ended, and I told my wife about it in the morning (December 8, 2023). I had had precognitive dreams before, and a few (verified) visions, but I still had not connected anything between the two dreams for the most part—only that they both involved love.

On December 8, 2023, while in email communication with my son, whom I had emailed on his birthday (Dec. 3, 2023), he revealed to me, almost in passing, that his mother (my former wife Cassandra) had died 'a few weeks earlier'.  As details emerged, it turns out she died at 11:47pm on November 16, 2023, the very night I had the experience with her. I was distraught and am still mourning. There is no real way to mourn as an ex-spouse and there is no 'family' (her side) that is interested or invested in sharing in that grief—understandably.  It turns out Cassandra had been struggling with ovarian cancer over two years, and was in hospice care the last year, bed ridden as I understand, and then in a facility the last month of her life. I felt and continue to feel horrible. She was a veteran, and my wife at one point. My son said she was very private about her situation and possibly even a bit embarrassed by how she looked (I am assuming from chemotherapy, and other associated physical problems). I feel horrible that she never once called me, and the kids did not tell me.  I was not close to them in recent years anyhow, so it made it easier for me to not know. Everyone’s end-of-life experience is private and deeply personal, and this is how Cassandra chose to pass away.

Background Information:

Was this experience difficult to express in words?     Yes

It was a flood of unusual, and unexpected emotions.

Did you ONLY sense an awareness of presence of the deceased without actually seeing, hearing, feeling or smelling them?     

Yes

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?          No

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?         Yes

Somehow, emotionally touched.

            Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar? Yes, it was Cassandra and me in a warm embrace.

          Was anything communicated by the touch? Love to the highest degree possible.

            Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?   No

Did you see the deceased?       No

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased? No

How long did the experience last?      All night

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?       Began somewhat suddenly, and gradually faded, joyfully, as morning arrived.

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?          Yes  Joyful!

Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know?  Other than unconditional love, nothing about her passing (around the same time)

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?          Experience was definitely real

          Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:   The experience came out of nowhere, and coincided with her death, which I was unaware of at the time.

          Was the experience dream like in any way?  Yes

Dream-like, not fully a dream, not fully awake, like another dimension and time/space reality.

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:  Immense joy, happiness, and completeness.

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience? Yes

I realize that the love we had for each other, never dies.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?          Joy, positive emotions, redemption, forgiveness, reliving good memories.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes                Describe:     I am already a different person than I was 25 years ago, but this experience has opened my heart even more--specifically to my wife and kids. I already do my best to honor GOD and His commandments, but this just reaffirmed my belief that everything we do here, matters for eternity.