I was severely depressed after the birth of my 2nd child, and being far away from my family of origin on a different continent. My marriage was a cold, desolate place but I still loved my husband. I felt terrible about myself, like I was a failure for thinking some of the things I was thinking at the time. I kept thinking that everybody on his side of the family would hate my guts and condemn me if they knew how much of a failure I really was (I actually wasn't, I was just seriously depressed). I had considered ending it all but knew I shouldn't with my 2 kids being so small.  

One night - nothing special about this particular night - I went to bed as usual and started having a very frantic dream. The best way I can describe it, was that people were running around at high speeds with high, cartoon-ish voices. The whole thing was like watching a 6 hour long kid's cartoon. It was loud, obnoxious and chaotic. I had never had a dream like that before (and haven't since, actually). Then sometime towards morning, I dreamed that the crazy frantic dream was still going on but faded into the background. There was a soft silence. Suddenly, blocking that out was the scene of Grandmother L sitting somewhere (hovering?) above me on the bed. She had passed away 6 months earlier of a heart attack, in her eighties.  

I was dreaming that I was awake. I had normal thoughts, even though I must've been asleep. I started asking myself logical questions in my head, and to my surprise, she answered all of them without saying a word. I thought "It's Grandmother L! But she's DEAD!", and she smiled at me and mentally transmitted to me so softly, gently "It's ok! I can hear you! There's nothing to be afraid of". I noticed that her hands, which had been gnarled by arthritis while alive in later years, were completely healthy hands. She looked young again, say thirties, but I still knew it was her. Then she slowly reached out towards my hand with hers, and I thought to myself "But she's DEAD! Her hand has got to be really cold!", and then "Oh no! She probably heard that too!". She took my hand and I was astonished to feel the most amazing warmth that radiated immediately from my hand, up my arm and all the way through my body. It was like an irrigation of warmth and love. She said to me "I know all the things you have been thinking, and I want you to know above all that YOU ARE LOVED in spite of all that. That other stuff doesn't even register. You have no reason to feel ashamed. YOU ARE LOVED no matter what".  

Then she was gone again, and the nutty cartoon-like scene reappeared, irritating noises and all. When I woke up I told my husband about the dream, expecting him to be as cynical as ever, but he smiled, seemed genuinely touched, and said I should tell his Dad (Grandmother L's son).  

The profound meaning of what she communicated to me was somewhat lost on me at the time, but the transmission of love via our hands was enough to snap me out of my funk and keep me going. It has only been a decade and a half later that I realize what absolute gold that message was: you are loved.

Was this experience difficult to express in words?  Yes

The sequence of things as they happened. They didn't really happen in order, yet they did. I also found it hard in the beginning to get the point across that we were 'talking' to each other but not talking with our mouths.

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?          Yes

            Describe what you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was communicated:    My own thoughts and questions inside my own head, and then somehow HER thoughts and words coming to me somehow, as feelings, I think. So hard to describe.

            Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated?      The voice did not originate with me because it said things I was incapable of thinking at that time, even wishfully. If anything I would've expected her to say I was a bad, bad person. But it was the opposite. I have no idea how I 'heard' these words of hers. Saying I felt, thought or knew them doesn't really describe it adequately. Best way I can think of is to say she 'transmitted' her message to me.
            If you heard a voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound the deceased made when they were alive?           Well it wasn't an audible voice, so no it didn't sound like her. There was no sound in that respect.

            Is there any possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?           There was no television on in the room or the whole house. Husband was asleep, probably snoring. So no.

            Was there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience?   no

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased? Yes

She reached out to touch my hand. I freaked out thinking she'd be ice cold, but she was full of warm energy. The loving energy radiated throughout the rest of my body.

            Was the touch familiar or unfamiliar?   Very unfamiliar. I had never felt such a thing before. It was completely unexpected and random-seeming to me at the time.

            Was anything communicated by the touch?  Yes! Pure love! Loving energy. Acceptance. Alrightness. Warmth. She gave me her love and wanted to show me I was loved no matter how awful I thought I was, or how awful I thought SHE thought I was!

            Is there any possibility what you felt was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?           No.

Did you see the deceased?         Yes

Her arthritic hands and fingers looked youthful and healed. Her skin was not elderly but youthful and radiant. Her back was no longer hunched & crooked but straight.

            How clearly did the deceased appear?            Solid, but kind of floating above the bed somehow. She would have had to be as close as practically sitting on my chest but of course there was no sensation of that, for me.

            How much of the deceased did you see?       From the lap up, and all of her arms & hands. She was sitting so I didn't see her feet.

            Did the deceased appear or not appear to be the age at which they died?       No, she seemed a good 50 years younger.

            How healthy did the deceased appear to be?            Her arthritic hands and fingers looked youthful and healed. Her skin was not elderly but youthful and radiant. Her back was no longer hunched & crooked but straight.

            Is there any possibility what you saw was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?           No.

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased?      No

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?           Yes

She was happy, peaceful and somewhat more aggressively happy (energetic?) than she had been in the last years of her life as an elderly lady. She was determined - in a gentle way - to tell me what she wanted to tell me.

Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know?  The biggest thing, while not earth-shattering to anybody else but life-changing for me, was the message that she knew what I had been thinking, she knew I thought all her family members hated my guts, and yet that I was loved anyway. This is not something I could have told myself or believed at that time. This wasn't just "Oh you're a great person, cheer up". It was "Everything you are is already loved no matter how much you screw up", which was a monumental revelation to me.

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?           Experience was definitely real

            Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:           The feeling of warmth that flooded through me when she held my hand.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   No

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience?           Yes

Absolutely. The biggest thing, while not earth-shattering to anybody else but life-changing for me, was the message that she knew what I had been thinking, she knew I thought all her family members hated my guts, and yet that I was loved anyway. This is not something I could have told myself or believed at that time. This wasn't just "Oh you're a great person, cheer up". It was "Everything you are is already loved no matter how much you screw up", which was a monumental revelation to me. This made my life afterwards utterly manageable instead of spiraling out of control.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      The elation from this profound lesson is the best part. There really isn't a worst part other than I wish I could have something like this happen again! It's hard to remember 24/7 that I'm not a stupid idiot of a failure.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Yes              It helped me make sense of the 12 steps of Al Anon, which directly and powerfully affected all of my relationships in a positive way. I could not deal with the 'higher power' aspect of it before this experience. I can actually get something out of Church sermons now, by fully understanding the fundamental principle that God loves us, warts and all. Before that I felt like it was all just nonsense.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes     I went from feeling that life is random and pointless, and that I am a stupid, worthless waste of space, to feeling that there is a reason for me living this life, I am just as worthy as anybody else, and utterly loved.

Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.?   Yes     Oh wow. I knew that this message did not come from me. I was not capable. Besides, if I were going to ever get any message from anybody beyond the grave I wanted it to be something sensational, such as "There's buried treasure in the fifth rafter of the attic", or "Tell Ann her Dad says hi punky" or something, not "You are loved". I mean, that wouldn't really grab anybody else's attention, would it? (turns out, when I told my Father in law about it, it did!). And the bit about the warm hands. I had really only watched ghost stories where scary stuff happens, not warm-fuzzy things like heat energy radiating throughout me. These things proved to me that there is a force or higher power out there, that loves me (and everybody else). If it loves me, a tiny speck in the mass of souls throughout the world, then God really can be everywhere all the time! This was major for me. It gave me this understanding in my spirit, where others without this type of experience are still trying to wrap their brains around it, not realizing that our human brains are limited and they can't 'get it' that way.

Death Compacts are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies first will try to contact the other(s).  Have you ever made such a compact?   No

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?     No
What emotions did you feel during the experience?            Peace and calm. Strength.

Was the experience witnessed or experienced by others?           No

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes

Once I realized she could hear my every thought, there doesn't seem to be a definite sequence to things. It's like I got all the messages all at once but when I think about them, they are separate. Very hard to describe or understand.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Yes

That I am *already* loved, no matter what. Before this experience, I had no concept of that. Afterwards I was able to see/feel it in others. Everybody. Sadly I let my ego get in the way too much of the time and forget this, and get angry with people. But it's still true.

Did you become aware of future events?       No

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?  Yes

I have this thing now, with my hands! Also with the warm, glowing sensation in my chest/heart area. I didn't set out to create this within myself, it just started happening as a response to my heartfelt prayers. Sometimes when I pray (for source/higher power/angels/guides/God/benevolent force to show itself to me to comfort me, or is my sister there, on another plane/dimension, or wishing for someone else's safety/spiritual health), I either get the sensation in my hands that someone is holding them (I feel that warm, radiating energy from within), or the same sensation within my ribcage. It lasts about 5 - 10 seconds. I have many other intuitive moments too and the occasional premonition (mind's eye). I hear people talking to me when I'm dropping off to sleep (they tell me their names and occasionally something relevant about themselves) or three knocks on wood (which always wakes me up as I think it's someone at the door).

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Uncertain

I believe I was asleep but this part of the dream made far too much sense for me to have been dreaming like normal. So I don't really know if I was awake or asleep. I think I was somewhere suspended between the two. But my perspective was still from lying in the bed, where my physical body was.Did you meet or see any other beings other than the deceased?            Uncertain

I'm not sure, because I'm not sure what the obnoxious dream was going on behind the vision of her at the time. Perhaps that was some kind of hell? Kids' cartoons can seem hellish to tired adults at times! It was a complete contrast to the visitation from Grandmother L. I hadn't considered them to be part of her realm.

Did you see a light?           Uncertain

Grandmother L was radiant and glowing, and bathed in soft light. But there was no other kind of light.

Did any part of your experience seem to occur in a place other than the location described above?          No

Have you shared this experience with others?        

Yes     I first told my husband at the time, expecting him to laugh at me cynically, but a  bright smile came over his face and he seemed to appreciate it, and even believe me a bit. He recommended I tell his Dad (Grandmother L's son), and it took me 3 more months to get up the courage to tell him. He and his wife are super religious/Christian, and think mediums are talking to the devil, etc. So I thought they'd just look at me like I was delusional. I finally told them and to my surprise they both cried, thanked me, and said they had been praying for a sign from her. I was so relieved by this. I didn't want to upset them. I almost felt guilty that she came to me and not them.

Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site?            No

Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience? No

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No 

Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event?       Yes 

No NDE's, or OBE's, but I did have a second 'spiritual' dream about 5 years later as I took a quick afternoon nap. I found myself in a room full of people - it was a 'classroom'. I didn't know what I was doing there. A lovely dark-haired lady met me with open arms and said "Elizabeth, it's so great for us to meet again finally!". I had no idea who she was. The people in the classroom told me to take a seat in the circle of chairs. They were all wearing white robes with blue cords as belts. They were mostly happy people, not in any hurry to go anywhere, except for one guy sat over near the window, staring out the window in anger, hurt, bitterness, denial and disgust. Still wondering what I was doing there, the lady next to me had blonde, curly locks one minute, and was completely bald the next. I also could see on these people's bodies that they had black spots where they had had cancer. I realized that all of the people in the room except the 'rehabilitation teacher' had died of cancer, and they were in the classroom to learn how to process what they had just gone through in their lives. The bitter man by the window would take longer in his process but nobody judged him. There was no judgment there. Only understanding and patience. They all knew he had to come around in his own time. My sister had already had cancer by the time of this dream. As I went to leave this room and wake up from my nap, the teacher lady said she had been there for my sister too, and would be there also in the future.

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?                     Yes

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.    No. It was very helpful to me.