Clara F ADC
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I was five months into a bereavement where I had felt a tremendous amount
of guilt. I had lost my friend that I had been very close to and who I met when
I was around 5. I felt that the way I had not made time for this person in the
months leading up to his death made me a terrible person. I couldn't accept what
I had done because it was so unlike me. I had chosen to focus on my university
deadlines for a few weeks and then worry about him afterwards. It felt like
people always held me back and ruined things for me and all I wanted was to put
myself first for a change, but I misjudged the situation and it couldn't wait a
few weeks.
Around five months after his death, I woke one morning and tried to get on with
my day, but I was feeling worse and worse emotionally. I stood at my kitchen
sink, about to wash dishes to start lunch, but I just couldn't carry on. My
husband was asleep in bed due to night work but I just needed to hold someone.
It takes me many hours to fall to sleep and I can’t sleep during the day, so I
was there for the feeling of closeness rather than a nap. I silently laid on the
bed and put my arm around him, without waking him. I knew I had reached the end
of the line in that I was so emotionally damaged by what had happened that I
would never ever recover.
It was then that I decided that taking my own life was the best option and I
felt a sense of happiness and relief that I had a solution and felt better than
I had in months. I lay slightly sitting up and propped up over the side of my
sleeping husband and was adding things to my online shopping basket that I would
need to end my life without causing a stir. As I was adding plastic sheets to my
basket, to buy as I wanted to not cause any mess, before I could click to
confirm the order, suddenly everything in my vision turned a translucent red.
The red began to get darker and darker until I completely lost my vision. I
didn't have time to wake my husband to tell him I needed an ambulance or that
something was happening. By the time I realised that this was something serious,
it was too late and I had found myself in a state of unconsciousness, but yet I
had full awareness. I laid there for a short time in complete calm, wondering
what had happened. I thought that I perhaps had had a massive brain hemorrhage
and that I was either in the dying process or had died and was waiting for brain
activity to stop. I thought it was great that I didn't have to take my own life
because it had happened anyway and I thought it was great that I would finally
find out how long brain activity continued for after death as working in
hospitals, I had always wondered this. I was in complete acceptance and was
amazed and found the experience of dying so fascinating...well I at least
thought I was dying at the time.
Suddenly I felt a sensation as though I were getting off of the bed and I
panicked a little because I didn't understand how I was getting up. There was a
strange sensation in my back as if I had been lifted up. Suddenly the red became
different colours, all blurred, and those colours eventually turned out to be my
own body that gradually came into focus as I rose further away from it. It was
like putting an object in front of your eyes and then gradually moving it away
until everything was in focus. I was on the ceiling in the corner of my bedroom
and I was looking down on my body alongside my husband.
I was in a state of awe as I looked at my body on the bed as I had never seen
anything more beautiful in my life. I was completely blown away by the beauty of
the life I had lived. It wasn't the outside of the body that I was witnessing
the beauty of, but the strength of how that body had endured and kept on getting
back up again every time life had knocked it down. What added to its beauty was
how it had always remained kind throughout all its trauma. I experienced a sense
of feeling sadness and feeling sorry for the person. 'She never stood a chance
in life' I thought. I thought she had so much potential but was born into the
wrong environment where everyone tried to drag her down. Her strength was just
so astonishingly beautiful.
I at no point felt like the body was me. It was like my soul was separate and
had merely been inhabiting the body. I was fond of her but my life as her had
been really hard and I was relieved to be done with it and had learnt from being
her. I had no sense of my name after leaving my body either. I felt that my name
was just belonging to the body that I had left behind.
I suddenly felt a sense of something on the back of me and in the blink of an
eye I had been zipped away to another place. I was stood in a dark place that
was black but I could see perfectly. It was like space. I was stood in front of
a huge grey stone arch that emitted light. I couldn’t see through it, as it was
like water inside it. It was like in TV shows like Stargate Universe (which I
only saw after this experience when my husband, who is much older than me, said
what I had described reminded him of the star gates in that show).
I was aware of a person to my left but slightly behind me, and a person 2 or 3
metres away from me stood to my right, diagonal between me and the arch. The
person in front of me was invisible but I felt them there. I felt I was familiar
somehow with the person behind me but not the person in front of me so I never
turned around to look at the person behind me as I felt wary of the person in
front of me due to not feeling familiar with them. The person to my front told
me that I could go through the arch and see my friend. There was no speech like
we know it on earth, it was like telepathy or speaking with energy.
I stepped forward to go through the arch without hesitation but suddenly stopped
as I felt that this was reckless. It occurred to me that I didn't know where I
was or who these beings were and I was just going to step through some weird
portal on their say so. I was thinking that I didn't know what was happening or
what was really through the arch. The being tried to reassure me (I hadn't
realised that my thoughts were no longer private). I stood with my mind racing
on what to do, thinking I wanted to see my friend, but I was so confused about
what was happening and how I got there and nobody was explaining anything to me.
I felt a sense of frustration from the being and there was this overwhelming
sense of them communicating with each other that this was taking too long. There
was a focus on needing this whole thing done really quickly and that remained
throughout. They must have decided to force me through, due to time restraints,
in the same way that I got from the bedroom to the black place, so they zipped
me through the arch before I even knew what was happening.
In the blink of an eye, everything changed. I was in the most
beyond-my-wildest-dreams place anyone could ever imagine. It was what I can only
describe as heaven. It was the most beautiful fields of green grass that all
shone golden light. There is nowhere on this planet earth quite like it.
My friend who had passed away stood in front of me and I could see him. He also
radiated golden light. He put his hands on me to try to get my attention because
all I could do was stand open-mouthed, looking around me at the environment in a
state of complete shock. It was clear he didn't have much time and had to
condense things down. The first thing he said to me was to warn me not to look
back, otherwise I would go back to my body, although I’m not sure if he said
this or this was communicated in some other way. He said to me to look how
beautiful this place is and that no matter what happened in my life on earth,
none of it mattered because I will come there in the end. He said it would be
just like when we were children.
There was nobody else there that I saw; however, I became aware of a young male
who stood a distance away from us overlooking things. He seemed to view me and
my friend together in a negative light and I’m not sure if it was because he was
concerned about the time everything was taking or because he wanted to speak to
me himself or both. There was the constant sense from him that me being there
was not allowed and shouldn't really be happening and I needed to get back to my
body as quickly as possible. The young man struck me as looking just like my
mother and father and I felt that this was my brother and that he had always
been with me in my life without me knowing. This was confusing as I didn't have
a sibling from my mother and father’s marriage.
I very much got the impression from what my friend was saying, that something
bad would be happening to me in my life and that as a result I would be coming
to heaven soon, so not to end my own life. I needed to pass away, not by my own
hand. I didn't want to go back to my body. I would have done anything to have
stayed. I was walked to a place very close-by that felt like a border. There was
increasing encouragement to leave but my friend kept his hands on the sides of
my shoulders and kept looking into my eyes as if he wanted me to keep looking at
him and not turn around. I couldn't help myself and kept looking around because
I was still so amazed by the heaven-like place. I turned too far around and, as
I did, in the blink of an eye I zipped back to my body in a blur. I opened my
eyes and saw red and the red quickly left and my normal vision was restored.
I was left in no doubt that I had had a spiritual experience and decided not to
call an ambulance because I felt absolutely fine. I also felt too embarrassed to
go to hospital as I had worked in the accident and emergency department there.
How could I tell this to doctors I had worked alongside without looking like I
had lost my mind?
In the weeks that followed, I had dreams that didn't feel normal. I would be
having normal dreams, then an invisible being would arrive, same as the ones in
the dark place, and they would tell me that I was asleep and they were using
that dream state to communicate and that I was going to die and they would show
me how it was going to happen.
I informed my family that I would be dying soon and what month it would take
place. I even planned my own funeral. They all thought I needed mental health
input and were concerned but they hoped it would pass. Six months later, when
the month finally came, I waited for it to happen. Eventually the symptoms
began. I had been told that I would have a clot in my leg and this would go
undetected by doctors’ tests and as a result it would break off and travel to
major organs and kill me. My leg had begun to show strange symptoms that were
not usual for a leg clot.
I didn't know whether I was supposed to get help or not because the beings never
told me if I was supposed to or not. They never said if they were informing me
so that I may avoid death or if they were telling me to prepare me. I eventually
went to the hospital and had such an awful experience with every doctor I spoke
to. Every doctor told me that I didn't have a clot because my symptoms were not
typical and my blood results were negative. I finally found a doctor who had
worked around me for a long time and knew that this was not my usual behavior
and that I was usually a quiet, no fuss, stable person. This was enough for her
to have doubts and order scans.
The scans showed I had an extremely big clot at a junction that led up to my
major organs. I was told that if I had not have come then, I would have died or
been in a very serious condition when it broke away. They were a mixture of
amazed and suspicious at how I knew and how I was able to point out its exact
location. Being science-based people, I felt they erred on the side of suspicion
and were wondering if I had been diagnosed at another hospital. There were
various details in my dream about hospital departments that did not exist at the
time of my dreams but did exist when I had my blood clot. Various other bits of
information lined up, such as the staff on shift looking after me including a
doctor I had never met before, apart from seeing them in my dreams, and the
cubicle numbers I was in. My blood results also matched what I had been told in
my dreams.
I still don't really know if I was supposed to survive or not, and since then I
have felt like my life is at a stand-still, with no purpose. I think that
perhaps I was supposed to die and I have done something wrong in getting medical
intervention. I will never know, I guess, as I have had no follow-up on this
matter from any such beings or spirits since. I isolate myself away from
everyone and no longer work or have any aspirations at all. I don't understand
why I have been spared. It has been nearly four years and I still don't know why
all this happened to me and what the purpose of me living is. I feel very alone
in the world and struggle to maintain relationships with family and friends. It
is like I am awake and everyone else is asleep. It is like living in the Truman
show and expecting someone to be happy, knowingly living in that way.
It has been the most amazing experience, but in many ways, it has destroyed my
life. In many ways, I died that day. In the moments before my experience, I had
a plan. I was going to end my life and everything would be okay, but now in my
experience it showed me I was absolutely not to do that. My life now is like
waiting for a bus that never comes. I just spend my life in this state of
apathy, waiting for my life to end naturally so that I can return to heaven. I
can be on the sofa relaxing or I can be busy in the supermarket buying food, no
matter what I am doing there is always the feeling that I am passing the time
whilst waiting to go back to heaven. The experience cured me of my suicidal
thoughts but it left me with this eternal clock-watching and I’m not sure that
the latter is much less unpleasant.
One comfort I take from all this is the feeling that I may be alone here, but
the young man I saw in heaven is always around me. I told my aunt about my
experience and that I met my brother. She told me that my mother and father did
in fact conceive another child after me, but the baby did not make it to full
term. I like to think that this was him and hopefully one day I will be able to
ask him myself. I am becoming more and more interested in Christianity now,
whereas I was a non-believer before. Hopefully through religion I can finally
feel a little less alone around people who, like me, know that there is more to
life than what we see on this earth.
It has been nearly four years since my experience and I am sharing it now as I
feel it is my duty to add to the catalogue of experiences of many others. If I
can help science in any way or give some reassurance to grieving people reading
my story, then I have done my duty as a fellow human...well, human for now
anyway.
At the time
of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?
Uncertain
I DONT KNOW IF I HAD A MEDICAL EMERGENCY
OR NOT. ONLY A DOCTOR COULD GIVE AN OPINION ON THIS I GUESS.
Was the experience
difficult to express in words?
Yes
THE EXPERIENCE SOUNDS LESS AMAZING BECAUSE
WORDS DONT DO IT JUSTICE
At what time during the
experience were you at your highest level of
consciousness and alertness? I FELT
CONSCIOUS AND ALERT THROUGHOUT.
How did your highest level
of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal
everyday consciousness and alertness?
Normal
consciousness and alertness
TO BE HONEST I AM NOT SURE I UNDERSTAND
THE QUESTION IN RELATION TO MY EXPERIENCE
Please
compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had
immediately prior to the time of the experience.
MY VISION WAS NORMAL BUT I USUALLY NEED GLASSES AND HAVE POOR LONG DISTANCE
VISION
Please
compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had
immediately prior to the time of the experience.
I DID NOT HEAR WITH MY EARS. I COMMUNICATED WITH
ENERGY AND LIKE TELEPATHY
Did you see
or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your
consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?
Yes
JUST SAW MY BODY BUT NOTHING HAPPENED SO
THAT IT COULD BE VERIFIED
What emotions did you feel
during the experience?
SHOCK, FASCINATION, AWE, LOVE, CONFUSION,
Did you pass into or
through a tunnel?
Yes
IT WAS LIKE AN ARCHWAY LIKE THE ENTRANCE
TO A TUNNEL BUT COULD BETTER BE DESCRIBED AS A PORTAL
Did you see an unearthly
light?
Yes
IT SHONE OFF OF EVERYTHING IN HEAVEN
Did
you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable
voice?
I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly
origin
IT WAS INVISIBLE BUT I COULD SEE IT BECAUSE I
COULD SEE IT BY FEELING ENERGY. ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN. BUT I SAW MY DEAD RELATIVE
FULLY.
Did you encounter or
become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by
name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?
No
Did
you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?
Yes
MY FRIEND THAT HAD DIED 5 MONTHS PRIOR, A
BROTHER WHO HAD DIED IN THE WOMB AND GROWN UP IN HEAVEN.
Did
you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?
Yes
I BECAME AWARE THAT MY MUM HAD BEEN
PREGNANT TO MY FATHER WHEN I WAS A CHILD.
Did
you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?
A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
LIKE FIELDS AND NATURE
BUT UNEARTHLY IN BEAUTY AND SHINING GOLD LIGHT
Did time seem to speed up or slow down?
No
Did
you suddenly seem to understand everything?
Everything about myself or others
I UNDERSTOOD ABOUT THE BODY I HAD BEEN IN AND
THAT I WAS A DIFFERENT BEING TO THAT BODY.I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE UNIVERSE AND
SUCH THINGS BECAUSE IT WAS NOT MY TIME TO DIE. I WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE
AND THEY WERE CARFUL TO REVEAL AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE. HOWEVER, I ALSO HAD
MEMORIES OF THINGS FROM BEFORE I WAS IN A HUMAN BODY, OF WHEN I WAS IN HEAVEN
BEFORE I INCARNATED ON EARTH.
Did you reach a boundary
or limiting physical structure?
Yes
I WAS AWARE OF IT BUT DIDNT LOOK AT IT AS WAS
AMAZED BY OTHER THINGS I WAS LOOKING AT
Did
you come to a border or point of no return?
I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against
my will
I WAS AWARE OF A BORDER BUT DID NOT LOOK AT IT. I
WAS TOLD BY MY DECEASED FRIEND NOT TO LOOK BACK OR I WOULD GO BACK TO MY BODY.
Did scenes from the
future come to you?
Scenes from my personal future
I DID NOT SEE SCENES BUT SAW THEM IN DREAMS
AFTERWARDS. DURING THE NDE/NDLE I WAS TOLD ABOUT SOMETHING BAD THAT WAS GOING TO
HAPPEN TO ME BUT DID NOT RECEIVE DETAILS UNTIL THE DREAMS THAT CAME A FEW WEEKS
LATER.
During
your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness
suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly
life (“life after death”)?
Yes
MY DECEASED RELATIVE DESCRIBED TO ME HOW
AMAZING LIFE AFTER DEATH IS AND SAID WE WOULD EXIST THERE AFTERWARDS
During
your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God
or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?
No
During
your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you
either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?
Yes
THAT MY MUM HAD LOST A BABY AND THAT I WAS
GOING TO DIE OF A BLOOD CLOT AROUND 6 MONTHS LATER BECAUSE MY BLOOD RESULTS
RETURNED NEGATIVE
During
your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a
mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?
No
During your experience,
did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s
meaning or purpose?
No
During your experience,
did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s
difficulties, challenges, or hardships?
Yes
THAT WE HAD TO DO THEM AND THERE WAS AN IMPORTANT REASON BUT I DONT KNOW
THE REASON.
During your experience,
did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?
Yes
THIS IS TOO HARD FOR ME TO EXPLAIN. IT WAS
MORE A SENSE OF BEING ONE WITH SOMEONE THAN LOVE AND A SENSE OF THE DEAD FRIEND
I SAW BEING SOMEONE THAT I KNEW FROM BEFORE EARTH.
During your experience,
did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not
shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?
No
Did you have a sense of
knowing special knowledge or purpose?
Yes
JUST HOW STUFF WORKS ON THE OTHER SIDE. IT
ALL FELT VERY BUSY AND PROFESSIONAL...ALMOST MILITARY LIKE IN ITS ORGANISATION
AND STRICT RUNNING
What occurred during your
experience included:
Content that was entirely not consistent with the
beliefs you had at the time of your experience
AFTER WORKING IN THE HOSPITALS FOR 10 YEARS AND NOTHING WEIRD OR AMAZING
EVER HAPPENED WHEN PATIENTS DIED, I DECIDED THAT THERE CAN NOT BE ANYTHING AFTER
DEATH AND THAT PARANORMAL EXPERIENCES PEOPLE HAVE MUST JUST BE HALLUCINATIONS
BUT OBVIOUSLY I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS NOW AFTER MY EXPERIENCE.
How accurately do you
remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around
the time of the experience?
I remember the experience more accurately than
other life events that occurred around the time of the experience
I USUALLY HAVE A REALLY POOR MEMORY AND FORGET THINGS BUT I HAVE NOT
FORGOTTEN THIS AND RELAY THE STORY EXACTLY AS IT WAS.
Discuss any changes
that might have occurred in your life after your experience:
I AM SO DIFFERENT NOW THAT I DO NOT RECOGNISE
MYSELF. I HAVE CHANGED SO MUCH ON THE INSIDE THAT I DONT EVEN RECOGNISE MYSELF
ON THE OUTSIDE EITHER. THE CHANGES HAVE CAUSED RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS BECAUSE
PEOPLE HAVE HAD TO ACCEPT AND GET TO KNOW A WHOLE NEW PERSON. I WILL NEVER WORK
AGAIN AND I AM NOT INTERESTED IN LIFE BECAUSE THERE IS NO POINT AS OUR REAL LIFE
IS IN HEAVEN. MY EARTHLY LIFE IS RUINED NOW TO BE HONEST BECAUSE OF THE NDLE.
My
experience directly resulted in:
Large changes in my life
Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that
occurred as a result of the experience?
Yes
EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT. THE LIST IS TOO LONG TO WRITE. NOT ONE THING ABOUT
ME IS THE SAME AS BEFORE MY NDLE.
Do you
have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that
you did not have before the experience?
Yes
I CAN VERY STRONGLY FEEL WHETHER PEOPLE
ARE GOOD OR BAD AND WHETHER THEY ARE FROM HEAVEN LIKE ME OR IF THEY ARE WHAT I
CALL A BACKGROUND PERSON (OTHERS CALL THEM NPC'S). I DID EXPERIENCE VERY
OCCASIONAL PREMONITIONS AND UNEXPLAINABLE PSYCHIC/MEDIUMSHIP/EMPATH TYPE THINGS
BEFORE THE NDLE AND HAVE HAD PARANORMAL EXPERIENCES PRIOR IN MY LIFE BUT HAD
DECIDED THAT IT MUST BE HALLUCINATIONS OR SOMETHING EXPLAINABLE BY SCIENCE. I OF
COURSE DONT THINK THAT NOW.
Are there one or several parts of your experience
that are especially meaningful or significant to you?
I DONT REALLY HAVE MUCH FAMILY AND PEOPLE HAVE ALWAYS TREATED ME BADLY SO
IT MEANT A LOT THAT THERE ARE BEINGS THAT CARED ENOUGH TO COME AND GET ME.
Have you ever shared this experience with others?
Yes
JUST MY HUSBAND AND BRIEFLY WITH 2
RELATIVES BUT I DONT FEEL A DESIRE TO SHARE IT WITH RELATIVES. PEOPLE WOULDNT
UNDERSTAND SO IT FEELS POINTLESS.
Did you have any knowledge
of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?
No
What did you believe about
the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:
Experience was definitely real
DONT REALLY FULLY UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION
What do you believe about
the reality of your experience at the current time:
Experience was definitely real
N/A
Have your relationships
changed specifically as a result of your experience?
JUST
BECAUSE I AM SO DIFFERENT TO THE PERSON I WAS BEFORE. I DONT HAVE ANYTHING IN
COMMON WITH FAMILY AND FRIENDS ANYMORE.
Yes
Have your religious
beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?
Yes
I WAS BROUGHT UP IN AN ATHEIST FAMILY BUT NOW I LEAN TOWARDS CHRISTIANITY
AND AM BEGINNING MY JOURNEY WITH THAT.
At
any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?
No
Is there anything else
that you would like to add about your experience?
NO
Did
the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and
comprehensively describe your experience?
Uncertain
SOME WHERE A BIT FIXED WITH LITTLE ROOM
FOR VARIATION AND I WAS A BIT UNSURE ON HOW TO ANSWER.