Amber B's
ADC
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My father had been diagnosed with Colon Cancer about 2 years prior to his death and communicated with me his medical state throughout his illness. I was most inclined to allow him to talk about his impending death were as other family members were still having difficulty with acceptance. We spoke open and honest about his diagnosis and his expectations. I had planned with my family to celebrate Thanksgiving early as I knew my father was not doing well and would most likely not make it to Thanksgiving. Two days prior to my fathers death my mother called and told me that my father was not doing well and wanted to speak with me. I told him I would change my flight to a week from this date and he told me he would most likely not be there. I told him I would see what I could do. I got in the car within the hour (midnight) and drove straight from Ocala to Kansas only stopping for gas. I called my mom from Tennessee on my way and she told me I should come home - I told her I was half way there. I father was ver glad. I arrived that evening and when to see my father in his bed (he was unable to walk or get up at this point). After talking to him - he and I were both very tired. I told him that I would like to have more time to talk with him the next day and asked if he would still be here. He thought about it and told me he would. I said if he needed to go before then I understood.
That night my mother came to the living room and tried to wake me - crying saying that she could not wake up my father. I was exhausted and went to the room with her. She went to his side and started hitting his chest telling him to wake up. He finally woke and said "what".
The next day I had time to talk with my father. he seemed very different from the day before - he seemed to be 'glowing' and peaceful. My Father told me to remember 2 things that were very important: "Learn, learn, learn" and "Always say you are sorry, it is very important". That day as we talked I told him about my daughters and told him that they were at a good point in their lives and that everything would be fine with our family. I said to my father - if he could maybe he could flash the lights on his way out to let me know he was off on his journey (which is what we started refering to his dying as) He looked at me with mock disapproval and smiled (I was under the impression that it was a no, I told him I wasn't asking him to break the lights - just a little flash and we both laughed. I told him he did a great job getting my mother to a place of acceptance - etc. That night My mother, Mothers 2 sisters, and my two brothers were all in the house. That evening I walked into my fathers room and saw my mother and brother and father watching TV - I walked into the kitchen and told my little brother that we should all talk to dad for a while. We all gathered in his room and spoke one after the other - saying our goodbyes, knowing this was the last time we would speak to him in life - then my mother instisted that we all get some sleep and said we could all talk to dad again tomorrow.
My mom said to my father that we would all see him tomorrow - to which he said "nope". She then said "you'll be with me tomorrow - right" he said nope. She said "Well, Your staying with me tonight - right. He said yes - he looked at us kids and smirked. (my understand was his expression meant - that my mother wouldn't understand the difference). That was a common dynamic in my family - that my father was always joking and my mother was a little slow to cath on or at least pretended to be slow to catch on. My brothers and I both knew my father would pass that night. We all decided to stay the night - my mother convinced my oldest brother to go home (10 minutes away) as he was starting a new job the next day. My younger brother and I slept on the couch in the living room.
During this last day - I had a strong sense that my grandfather (deceased several years prior) was present in the room. (This grandfather was my mother's father but he and my father were great friends and I father was his sounding board when he, my grandfather, was dying of leukemia. He considered my father his son) Several time his name was brought up by other people.
At around 3 am my brother woke me up saying that Dad was leaving or gone. I told him we needed to go and be with my mother (who was sleeping next to my father). We went into the room and calmly woke up my mother. (Later when I asked my brother how he knew about dad - he said "Dad - - woke me up, I am not saying he physically walked into the living room and woke me up but that - he - woke me up". My brother had a difficult time telling me that as he is not at all open minded about the after life or "strange" experiences. My family would be considered conservative and are not inclined to talk about things you don't see with your own 2 eyes.
Immediately following his death - I looked at my fathers body and felt no connected to "it". I thought where are you dad and had an overwhelming feeling of "elation", "unconditional love" very incongruent with what I felt or should feel - the feeling just overwhelmed all other emotions - almost like erased or overpowered everything else.
After comforting my mother and speaking with my brothers. I felt robotic and thought - what do I do now - Kind of like direct communication not via words but not my thoughts almost like instructions from someone:
- I needed to find a piece of paper and a pen - and had no idea why. I need paper and a pen - I went into the kitchen while hospice and everyone started to arrive. I got my paper and pen and thought - what am I suppose to do with this - immediately I knew I needed to write a note - a note to who - to the "coffee group". (my father always met with a group of friends at McDonalds everymorning for coffee - I had gone with him maybe twice and wasn't really part of the group - his friends would always joke I was too young to be included) OK and what am I to write - "Coffee is on Dennis this morning thank you all for your friendship" - OK - I wrote it. Anything else - A short note at the bottom saying that Dennis - my father passed away peacefully in his sleep that morning. Now what -
I don't even know what time McDonalds opens - 6 am - OK well how much money - I don't even know how may people are in the 'coffee group' $10 will cover it - they all get senior coffees. OK - so I headed to McDonalds and spoke with the manager who was waiting outside the side door when I parked - I asked him to give them the coffee and note for their table when they all arrived. I was about to leave when I decided to get me a coffee - so I ordered 3 large coffees for myself and my aunts - then when I ordered I also ordered one small coffee - had not idea why - I drove home and put the coffees on the table. My mom looked at the coffees - and I told her a the same time I realized it "The small coffee is for you" - My mother told me that my father always brought her home a small coffee when he came home for the coffee group.
For the entire day and 2 days after, everytime I would wonder how my father was doing on his 'Journey' - I would have the same feeling of elation and unconditional love - I could not feel sad or scared for him or upset. I thought - this is so out of left field and so unnatural but the feeling was so strong - with the answer "this is just a small percentage of what the real experience is like".
That night my mother told me that every time she would think of Dad - she had the strongest feeling of peace, love, elation, that had started at the time of his death. I told her I was having the same experience and also told her that I had asked Dad prior to his death to flash the lights to let us know he was on his journey and relayed the rest of the discussion. That night as we sat in the kitchen the light closest to the door when out and another light went out the following night while we were in the kitchen - the third night another light blew out - I took the bulb out and it was indeed blown - I put the blown bulb back in because I wanted to see how may more lights would go out - the next night the last bulb that I had examined went back on.
When I returned home -
I searched the internet to see if anyone else had an experience of unconditional
love after the passing of a loved one and found nothing with my search until I
saw a show on Netflix tonight about Shared death experiences.
Was this
experience difficult to express in words?
Yes
The feeling of
unconditional love and manner of 'communication' or knowing
Did you hear the
deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?
Yes
Describe what you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was
communicated:
Difficult to explain,
didn't really "hear" - but It was just instantaneously communicated - not really
a voice. I was kind of responding with questions as in the narrative above and
the answers where just a natural flow of information.
Did
the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you,
or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was
communicated?
Just a sense of knowing
but almost in communication back and forth - as soon as I thought a question
there seemed to be an answer.
If
you heard a voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound
the deceased made when they were alive?
N/A
Is
there any possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the
surroundings at the time of your experience?
No
Was
there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience?
No
Did you feel a
touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?
No
Did you see the
deceased?
No
Did you smell a
distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased?
No
How long did the
experience last?
3 days
Was the beginning
and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?
gradual fading
Could you sense the
emotions or mood of the deceased?
Yes
Love and elation
Did the deceased
give you information you did not previously know?
I believe that
the night before my father passed that he had a NDE (when my mother was not able
to wake him for several minutes). His final day - he had a different appearance
about him - he seemed to glow and was more alert and calm. He said to remember
2 things that were very important: "Learn, learn, learn" and "Always say you
are sorry, it is very important".
How do you
currently view the reality of your experience?
Experience was
definitely real
Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not
real:
I understand that people sometimes feel disconnected or robotic during times of
emotional distress. This experience was qualitatively different. Feeling
instructed to get a paper and pen and write a note, I was looking for pen and
paper I did not know why but the answers came immediately when I needed them not
before and I just acted on faith that my actions would have purpose not with the
intended purpose (if that makes sense) - the experience above was completely
different. Also never in my life have I had feelings so strong as the
unconditional love / elation that followed this experience. My mother's
validation that she was having the same feelings also lent validation to my own
experience. Additionally, I was not influenced by the reading of prior
accounts. I had heard of NDE and had read some on this topic but had never
heard of a Shared death experience.
Was
the experience dream like in any way?
No
Describe in
detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:
unconditional love /
elation
Was there any
emotional healing in any way following the experience?
Yes
To this day, I do
not fear death itself, separate from the death process. Although I no longer
feel the strong love or elation, I remember this feeling when I think about my
father and where he is on his journey.
What was the best
and worst part of your experience?
Best - feeling and the
reassurance
Worst (?) loss of my
father, some confusion about the experience - thinking I was insensitive to the
loss of my father - feeling elated after his death. But the feeling itself did
not let me hold the feeling of shame or of being insensitive - hard to explain.
Has your life
changed specifically as a result of your experience?
Yes
Describe:
Slowly - making
changes to focus more on others and less on myself.
Did you have
any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?
Yes
Stronger conviction to live more for others and be less self focused.
Did the experience
give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God,
etc.? Yes
I contemplate my father's words about - learning and forgiving and struggle to
put this into practice. This experience in combination with losing my Father
makes me search for meaning within my own life.
Death Compacts
are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies
first will try to contact the other(s). Have you ever made such a compact?
Yes
Yes with my Father
the day prior to his death I asked him to flash the lights to let me know he was
on his journey - after a disapproving mocking look - I told him I did not ask
him to break the lights - just to flash them - and we laughed. I really did not
think that he would. I told my mother about this comment prior to the light
going out. I had not made this request so much for proof of life after death but
for reassurance to me that he was ok and on his way.
Did you observe or
hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be
verified later?
N0 response
What emotions
did you feel during the experience?
gradually fading after
two days - unconditional love / elation
Was the experience
witnessed or experienced by others?
Yes
My mother had the
same experience and confided in me prior to my mentioning my own experience.
Did you have any
sense of altered space or time?
No
Not outside of the
norm for an emotionally traumatic time.
Did you have a
sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?
Yes
Only in the sense of
What was communicated upon my comments - e.g. My amazement at the strong feeling
of unconditional love / elation and the response - this is just a small
percentage of what the real experience is like.
Did you become
aware of future events?
No
Did you have any
psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did
not have prior to the experience?
Uncertain
I had an episode
where I was having symptoms of TIA strokes and had gone to the doctor - had
tests that showed nothing. Woke with issue resolved - told my husband that my
symptoms were gone completely after about 1 week. Unknown to me my estranged
grandmother in Colorado had been having TIA strokes for the week and then had a
massive stroke to the brainstem at the time that my symptoms resolved.