I woke up and saw Chris at the foot of the bed. He was very tall, but he was crouched down by my feet. I don’t remember if he was clothed. I think the cat was on the bed too — I remember earlier feeling for Chris and needing to check if he was breathing — then remembering in horror that he was dead. When I saw him at the foot of the bed he asked me to take him to the ocean. I said, 'you don’t have a body.' Then he disappeared.

After Christmas 2020 one night I dreamt he texted me something like 'I never meant to hurt you,' and signed it 'Mr. Flipper.' Flipper is a punk band we had both bonded over. That day when I took down the Christmas tree I found a ticket stub to Flipper under the Christmas tree skirt, and there’s no reason it should be there, nor had I told anyone that day about my dream.

I’ve has many vivid dreams about him. Before he died I felt I had a shared death experience — I described a rip in the sky to him and orange light shining through.

This is all beyond my normal experience and my life before his death.

His possessions retain his smell, then it fades, then it comes back (work gloves, hat, hair, etc.

Was this experience difficult to express in words? No

Did you ONLY sense an awareness of presence of the deceased without actually seeing, hearing, feeling or smelling them?      No

Did you hear the deceased or hear something associated with the deceased?          Yes

          Describe what you heard, how clearly you heard it and what was communicated:   He said, 'Take me to the ocean.'

          Did the voice or sound seem to originate externally or outside of you, inside you, or did you not hear a voice or sound, but had a sense of knowing what was communicated?     As I recall, I heard his voice coming from him — his mouth. I saw his body.

          If you heard a voice or sound, was it similar or dissimilar from the voice or sound the deceased made when they were alive?     Same voice.

          Is there any possibility what you heard was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?   No

          Was there any possible impairment to your hearing at the time of the experience?   No

Did you feel a touch or experience any physical contact from the deceased?         No

Did you see the deceased?       Yes

He looked as he was before he got sick — the illness rapidly developed and he looked emaciated by the time he died. He looked just as he did before we went to the hospital on sept 11, 2020.

            How clearly did the deceased appear?            Solid.

            How much of the deceased did you see?       He was crouched by my feet, by the foot of the bed.

            Did the deceased appear or not appear to be the age at which they died?           Same age — 60.

            How healthy did the deceased appear to be?            Very healthy. No evidence of the disease. (Which made his muscles spasm)

            Is there any possibility what you saw was from any other source present in the surroundings at the time of your experience?   No.

Did you smell a distinct smell, scent, fragrance or odor associated with the deceased? No

How long did the experience last?      About a minute or so

Was the beginning and end of the experience gradual or more sudden?       I woke and saw him and then he disappeared. I was under extreme stress, shock and grief and lack of sleep (24 days of constant care).

Could you sense the emotions or mood of the deceased?          Yes

He wanted me to do something for him. He was intense.

Did the deceased give you information you did not previously know?  No

How do you currently view the reality of your experience?          Experience was probably real

          Please explain why you view the reality of your experience as real or not real:   I was so close to him that I feel our souls had merged. I felt part of me has died. I feel it was a real experience because I sensed his whole presence and bodily formS

          Was the experience dream like in any way?          Uncertain

It could’ve been a lucid dream. But I am in the same room and I can picture him at the foot of the bed as if it just happened.

Describe in detail your feelings/emotions during the experience:  I was in shock that he had died. I felt estranged from his family and worried for myself and my son. During the experience I felt sad I couldn’t take him to the ocean and had to tell him he didn’t have a body.

Was there any emotional healing in any way following the experience? No

What was the best and worst part of your experience?          Best: seeing him. Worst: I couldn’t help him and he was gone forever.

Did the experience give you any spiritual understandings such as life, death, afterlife, God, etc.?          Uncertain     I’m not sure what the experience means. His ashes were returned to me. His family doesn’t want them. I don’t now if he wants me to spread his ashes by the ocean.

Death Compacts are when two or more living people promise among themselves that whoever dies first will try to contact the other(s).  Have you ever made such a compact?    No

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No

What emotions did you feel during the experience?          Grief, sorrow

Was the experience witnessed or experienced by others?          No

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?          Uncertain

I was in an out of body experience in general through shock and sorrow. Height of love ripped away suddenly.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?         No

Did you become aware of future events?      No

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?   No

Did you meet or see any other beings other than the deceased?   No

Did you see a light?        No

Did any part of your experience seem to occur in a place other than the location described above?     No

Have you shared this experience with others?    Yes    My family doesn’t believe it and others say I need to take his ashes to the ocean.

Have you shared this experience formally or informally with any other researcher or web site?         No

 Is there anything else you would like to add regarding your experience?   I have talked to psychics who believe he is always with me because I gave him unconditional love. He was bipolar. I found a letter from him to me about his struggles — written in the spring and found the day he died in an unmarked envelope. Random find. It was in a box in the basement. I’ve had strong messages in dreams from him.

Were there any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?          No

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?       Yes 

I took a pot gummy and for the first time had a strong hallucination — I saw him at a grocery store and saw the door to reach him in a parallel universe and couldn’t open it. I was distraught. I rarely take pot gummies. It had a high THC content. I’ve never had a hallucination like that from pot. It felt real and tragic.

Did you ever in your life have a near-death experience, out of body experience or other spiritual event? Yes 

I felt I had what I now know is called a shared death experience with Chris. Explained earlier. I also saw him while under anesthesia about a year ago. I was sobbing when I came out from anesthesia. I saw him at a beach we went to on the Washington Coast.

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?           Yes

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.       Nothing I can think of now.